I am struggling to study for a unit that I have had to re-sit for, this Thursday. I hate this unit not because it’s something that I can’t hack but I just couldn’t relate with the lecturer, she is one of the most liked lectures. I guess because everyone has to go through her in first year since this is a common unit and mandatory we kinda have to love her.
I don’t like to use the word love , it is a very strong word so I try to not use it, I don’t ever think I have told a guy I love you, I deliberately use the word like and nakupenda which when translated may mean both but in my head I know it means like. Forgive my superstition and silliness but that’s just me.
I like this lecturer, but she taught us more about her, than she read for us her manuscript of the lesson and I couldn’t wait to complete this unit having heard about Manchester and her two boys every Monday. I had a game that I played in my head, I assumed I had taken a tot anytime she mentioned Manchester and by the time I was out of that class I was drunk with laughter.
When the results were out, she hadn’t added for me marks for one CAT on the results it was actually left blank, I had failed. according to my other seniors she does that a lot but when you approach her she will always include the marks for you. For any normal person they would go look for the lecturer or decide to hate the lecturer but not me, my heart couldn’t bring me to hate her, I actually just laughed.
All my classmates urged me to go talk to her and ask her to include the marks for me. Our coordinator even tried scheduling a meeting for me but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, don’t get me wrong I considered it, I even planned to do it, then I examined myself if I was afraid, or bitter, or angry with her and sincerely from the bottom of my heart if my heart has a bottom because I consider it hollow I have no hard feelings for her, but No….I was not going to stoop that low to beg for 5 marks. I decided I had failed and I would redo the paper.
Looking at myself now, the hustle of reading for what I don’t like, the money I spent on this unit the time I spent following up with administration to ensure that I sit for this paper and the time I will waste doing the stupid paper, I can’t believe myself. I am going through all this because of pride.
You heard me right this is a cost I am paying because of pride, if you ask me why I wouldn’t just go and ask her to include my CAT marks in my exam, I seriously don’t have a reason, it’s just that I know I can redo the paper and I can afford to do it and even if I wouldn’t afford it I would rather sleep hungry than go to beg her.
Pride is a sin and someone said it is classified as one of the deadliest sin. Let me start with a disclaimer that I am not a pastor and I have never studied theology and apart from my bible reading I don’t have any source of reference so I consider this an OPED.
I have had pride I think in all my life and a lot of this is inherited, Before it was not a struggle because it was just following my heart and adhering to what it desires, if I am not able to eat in a kibandoski I know I can’t eat in a kibandoski and wherever, I don’t care if UK himself eats in a kibandoski.
Proverbs 16:5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.
I do not consider myself as a mean person or a person who is overly ambitious or arrogant or someone who uses people but in my heart I know I struggle with some things because of pride.
There are relationships I have had to let go because of pride, some of them are old friends, relatives and even potential suitors, because in my heart I have told myself that I am not the one to reach out to them. “Why must it be me?” I have asked myself.
Before I accepted to wear spectacles I walked like a blind person for so many years and I accepted my bad sight and believed everyone had to watch TV 5 inches away from the TV, when I finally braved myself for the test I told the ophthalmologist I didn’t see the need for the eye tests since I wasn’t feeling pain.
I sometimes see pride that way; pride creates a perception within your heart that you are alright you have worked hard to be where you are and hence you deserve the glory. You may not be hurting anyone and no one may see it for it is safely tucked within your heart.
Pride is actually a sin that is exalted by people, statements like we are proud of you or we have pride in what you do make it alright to live with this.
God knows our hearts and we can’t hide even the simplest intentions from him. The bible says “Though the LORD is on high, yet He regards the lowly; but the proud He knows from afar.” (Psalm 138:6).
Whereas I know that I can relate with almost everyone I know that within my heart I can segment people, those that belong into my closest circle and those stay in the outer circle, I have learned to love some people from afar; this really means not relating with them at all. Being indifferent is a skill that I have perfected with time. I stick to my lane and let you stick in yours. And sure enough I hardly have conflicts with people.
This according to me is a trick that the enemy uses to divide and rule when you have different scales for loving people you then start discriminating attention, time, and even classify people.
That is not how God wants us to love people his command for us is to love one another as Christ loved the church which was selfless and in purity.
Philipians 2:3 urges us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
Pride is also associated with our personal achievements, I agree most of us have had sleepless nights and have worked so hard to get into the positions we are in right now or to have the wealth that we have. We are not like the sluggards we wake up early toil and we reap what we have worked for, “what is wrong with being proud of what you have achieved?”
The bible says in Psalms 127:1-2, unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.
As much as we work hard it is God’s doing within us that enable us to achieve our goals live our priorities and reach our potential. It is not just by ourselves.
As I repent of my pride and suffer my consequences at the moment, I pray that God to reveal to me when pride is hidden within my innermost or hollow heart and I seek accountability to help me overcome this, I know i will kick, crank and rebel but one step at a time and I start by acknowledging my hidden weakness.
The proud(less) Moraness